Anne Jones sees what you did there.

( Application for ANNE JONES )

1) Who do I have to talk to in order to adopt an albino bloodhound? My cats would hate it but they're adorable with their cute fallen faces and big floppy ears. I promise to keep it in the office.

2) Can we get more potato crunchies in the Ministry cafeteria? They're addicting.

If you find yourself working at the Ministry on this lovely Saturday afternoon, please feel free to drop by level 2 and the PAT (speaking of jobs no one wants....) office for some cake. It's a three-layer-triple-chocolate cake and there's enough for everyone!


I lied. Not everyone -- maybe a dozen people. But you should come by and offer the birthday boy his spankings anyway.

[Warded Private]

I'd bet my right foot that Oscar Ketteridge is a Death Eater.



That was easier to write than I thought it'd be.

Antsy on Tuesday, left work suddenly. Floo-calls in late on Friday. Brutus goes missing around the same time, turns up in a warehouse with a Muggleborn, after a threat posted on the journal network and not long after Oscar turned up at work.

I don't believe in that many coincidences for one person. Not in the least. Now I need to figure out a way to put a tracer on his mail, see if I can swipe his journal without him noticing and catch him doing something that's not just circumstantial.

Goddamnit Rufus. You, I'd trust with this. Especially after what happened. You'd believe me. But now you're unconscious and-

I just hope you aren't in the same boat I was. It's one hell of a recovery.

If anyone had snowballs thrown at their head from the second floor of Flourish and Blotts this afternoon, it wasn't me.

No, that's a lie. It totally was me and I'm not even sorry.

[Warded Private]

Camera acquired. It's silent and rather... pretty, for a camera. I feel like a spy, which is a bit odd for a broken former Hitwitch.

We've got just about everyone and their mother's supporting the Order, and then all the bullshit with Purple Hats and Purism. At this point, I'm not putting it past anyone to be a supporter of the Death Eaters or the Order of the Phoenix. Anyone. We've got one dead and one in prison just from this month alone and that's how it needs to keep up.

But I don't have anything concrete yet. If he were warned, he could go underground. Escape. All I've got is my instinct and a really strong suspicion and some circumstantial evidence. Not enough to pull him in for an arrest and if they don't have anything... it goes nowhere.

So I resort to spy tactics and generally looking like a stalker. Brilliant.

I probably shouldn't be so thrilled with getting to do a little investigative work again.

[Warded to Henry Hart & Jack Jones]

Let's play a game; if you had to guess one person in the Ministry as a Death Eater or a Order of the Phoenix member, who would your top choice be?

[Warded Private]

I suppose I'd rather they rage at this department and my job than taking it out on Death Eaters - but.. bloody Merlin am I tired of being the bad guy.

A grieving mother and widow is still just as likely to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix is as a Purist being a Death Eater. Everyone claims innocence, but we really have no idea who we can trust. Picking and choosing who we question isn't part of the job. No matter who we might feel sympathetic for, no matter how wrong it might feel. If we were the ones wrong. If we missed something-

It'd be on us.

It's days like this... most days, that I hate this job. But someone has to do it.

Oscar's been quiet. Spending time at home. He wasn't out last night - not when Rose's-

Well. That doesn't mean anything. He's probably got dozens to do the killing for him. One can get a night off here and there. If it's true and I haven't made it all up in my mind.

[Warded to the DMLE]

It's that time of the month again; Follow The Tips!

I put you all together because I'm too lazy to separate the wards, but here you go:

AUROR DEPARTMENT:

Llandrindod Wells, Wales: [Location Here] Family is convinced their neighbor is a Death Eater. Location needs to be investigated and family needs to be questioned further.

Winchester, England: [Location Here] Death Eater sighting.

Waterford, Ireland: [Location Here] Death Eater sighting.

Warwick, England: [Location Here] Neighbors (two separate tips on this one) claim that a family is keeping someone in their basement and regularly using the Cruciatus on the persons.

HITWIZARD DEPARTMENT (and WTF):

Donegal, Ireland: [Location Here] Claims of an unregistered Vampire living in the area.

Forbidden Forest, Scotland: [Location Here] Blodwyn Bludd sighting - get me an autograph?

Carlisle, England: [Location Here] Muggle girl submitted to the hospital with scars that won't close. She's in a coma and we just got word of it through the papers. Could be Greyback.

Tinworth, England: [Location Here] Correspondence between two men in the town, addresses both given. They've been writing in code, I have the letters and it seems these two are giving information to Patrica Bergstrom in exchange for their family's safety.

Good luck and God speed and all that jazz! Leaders, I leave it up to you to distribute as you see fit.

[Warded to Friends]

Is it 5 o'clock somewhere? My eyes are crossed from staring at words all week and I think the only thing that can fix it is strong alcohol.

Not only was I disappointed that I had owl dung in replacement for a pineapple on my desk, but that the post didn't seem to pause for the weekend. You know, that's something we need to adopt from Muggles. Give the owls a day of rest. No post on Sundays!

[Warded Private]

Nothing of note on Friday. Didn't watch him on Saturday. But Sunday... I suppose it's possible whoever he's having an affair with branded his arm so that she could keep him like cattle. But even I'm not an idiot enough to believe that. Maybe one of the kid's wrenched it and he's got a pulled muscle.

Or maybe not any of that and I'm just skirting around it because I don't like the answer. I could be wrong. If I'm wrong, I'll look like a paranoid laughing stock. If I'm right... well, I've got eyes on him now. There's bound to be more than just impromptu apparating on a Sunday night. More than just circumstantial evidence.

I need to work on getting a silent camera. Do they make those? I wonder if a traditional camera can be charmed.. I'll have to work on that when Oscar isn't in the office.

[Warded Private]

What's this all about, then? Oscar was home last night-


Oscar says he was home last night.


Oscar Ketteridge. What do I know about him? Pureblood family - most of them are Justinian, as far as I know. Ashley and Victor are both pretty well minded and good blokes. Oscar and I have worked together for... Merlin. Forever. If you look at his career path, it's right along the same as mine. But other than that, we don't usually talk about... much else. Work, some talk about the kids, food, vices.

Could be an affair. Probably is an affair. I wonder if she makes him do acrobatics that could injure a leg...

It's probably nothing. We're all paranoid right now.

[Warded to Henry Hart]

How many people at the Ministry do you actually trust? Truly trust.

I realized today that I can count the number on one hand. Was a little disconcerting.

[Warded to Aaron Wagtail]

Take me out this weekend - I'm due for a night off someday and I may force my hand at getting one on Saturday.

If anyone's been wondering where I've been, I just now found my way out of the mound of work on my desk. At one point I was literally waist deep.

Send granola and cigarettes if you're so kind.

I feel like I should write something about bigotry here, but then I got bored. Or lazy. One of those two. It happens, it sucks, it's bad and anyone who is a bigot (on either side and no, I'm not going to define it for you or call any one person a bigot, it's not my job to point you out. You may not want to admit it, but you know who you are) can go choke on a dick sit on a thumbtack.

There, that's all I've got.

[Warded to Henry]

It's your girlfriend's birthday today. Planning anything special?

[Warded to Jack, Rosmerta, Sabrina and Charlotte]

I have the whole weekend of Easter off and mum is hounding me for Easter dinner at the farm. David and Lyn'll be there with Megan, so I won't put it past her to make it some huge affair for the grandbaby.

Please tell me that I won't have to go it alone.

I wanted to thank each and every person that helped out over the last few days in Diagon Alley. Not just the people helping clean, but the ones who provided food and water and everyone who threw us a little support. Repair has already begun in the shoppes that took the most damage and things should be back to "normal" by the end of the week.

An extra thank-you to Brutus Scrimgeour and Remus Lupin for organizing the good idea.


Now if anyone has a recommendation for a chiropractor or a masseuse (or both), I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm going to be paying for the weekend overtime for a good few days (or weeks) to come - but it was worth it. Doubly worth it if it means I can get an extra set of hands massaging my poor, sore body.

[Warded to Rosmerta & Jane]

Can someone please tell me why I thought it was a good idea for Aaron to read an anonymous and rather... steamy letter, that I'm fairly sure he wrote after I made that silly request, out loud and in person over a bottle of whiskey?

My brain was saying "Oh, Anne. It'll be hilarious! He'll get embarrassed and you'll make fun of him and get him to fess up that he wrote it and then you'll pass out drunk."


Now instead, I'm all hot & bothered.


Why am I surrounded by men I'd like to shag? I need a girlfriend.

Scratch that. Last girl I shagged turned out to be Henry's ex. Awkward.

In case no one noticed it in the Prophet, the DMLE will be hosting a few sessions to teach self-defense to the public. If you ever wanted to brush up on your shielding charms and learn a few new wards for your home, this is the sort of session to you want to attend. It's free and the first one's tonight, at the Ministry of Magic - sign up now if you want in, there's only 25 spots available.

[Warded to Friends]

Nothing like taking a lady home after St. Patrick's day and finding out the morning after that she's still hung up on her ex and I was a "bloody big mistake" and "not even worth it" (that part was pulled while she was hysterical, I'm not taking it personally).

Pity, too. She was fit and didn't try to steal a lock of my hair! That's hard to come by these days. We could have had something wonderful, albeit brief. Alas.

I hope everyone else had a better weekend than I.

World, it is a red wine and pain potion kind of night.

I propose that everyone send a smutty letter in the owl post over the next 24 hours to give me something interesting to read out loud.

Also, the spelling mistakes have been atrocious all this week. I've graded more than 14 letters as T before sending them on. (So if you got one with a bunch of red ink across it, that was me. I have no regrets.)

[Warded to Friends]

I really don't need to know about your* kid's STI, howlers about husbands cheating, pet vomit or about how you lost your job because you liked owling in sick so you're feeling sorry for yourself. I miss being in the real DMLE. Domestic disputes and murder in Knockturn Alley were a better use of my time and I'm sick and tired of reading people's writing.

There was my whinging moment of the evening, carry on now.

* Generic your. Not saying that any of you have sent these out - and if you have, I'll happily send someone to kick your arse.

[Warded to Hitwizards]

Don't think you lot have gotten congratulated on your capture. Good job, guys. Wish I could have been there.

Anyone remember when I made a joke about owl-proposals? That wasn't me saying it was a good idea, folks. That was me thinking the idea is ridiculous and stupid.

That said, anonymous person that owled me three proposals in the past week: my answer is no. I will not marry you. It got a little creepy after the first time you asked, too.

Someone kill me and put me out of my misery.




I knew there was something dodgy about that cheesecake, you bastard.

I hate Howlers.

There. I said it. I've even got a list for you folk about the whys and hows of my hate.

1) First and foremost, I unfortunately have to deal with them in this job. There's about a dozen students out there that have been saved from getting a Howler (and instead got a letter outlining exactly what was said in the Howler) because it got intercepted by me instead. And we won't even mention Tabitha the Werewolf Anyone having to listen to that many Howlers in the span of a few months would start going a little mental.

2) Is it really, truly necessary to embarrass someone to that degree? Is whatever you have to shout that important that it has to be aired out for the masses? Pro-tip from the masses: We don't want to hear your dirty laundry.

3) Think about where the person receiving the Howler might be at any point. At work? You're risking their job. At Hogwarts? You're either embarrassing the hell out of them in front of all of their friends or giving information to professors and students that people really had no business knowing.

I mean, really, the best I can say is that I don't really understand their purpose. It's - in my opinion - worse than having an argument in public, because the person on the receiving end can't even fight back.

* This "rant" may or may not have stemmed from the fact that I've intercepted three Howlers today alone about this love potion debacle.

[Warded to Hadrian Beech]

Oi, you. You're a lazy fucker that wasn't at work on a Sunday, yeah?

[Warded to PAT]

This is a day that I hate this job. I've got about 20 copies of the paper and I just put on a fresh pot of coffee.

Nothing like waking up with a dry mouth and "get shagged" imprinted on your face with ink. Drinking and then passing out falling asleep on parchment is a very bad idea, kids folks.

[Warded to Friends]

I survived. Still useless as hell, woke up alone, my back is killing me and I've got a headache the size of Africa, but I didn't get alcohol poisoning or fall off a bridge.

[Warded to Aaron]

I thought you were joking.

Thanks, though. I always appreciate gifts that go straight to my hips.



That sounded sarcastic. I actually wasn't being sarcastic.

A friendly reminder to the general public: Valentine owls are subject to searching the same as general mail. If you're sending a Valentine through the owl post, I recommend sending it a day or two early to avoid the post arriving late or past Valentine's Day. The Public Awareness Team claims no responsibility if you end up on the sofa because you forgot until the last minute and your owl was lucky enough to be plucked from the sky for searching.

Double Chocolate Raspberry Truffles are my favourite, if you're kind enough to throw a couple extra in.

Have a happy holiday season!

[Warded Private]

Cough. Cough. I feel a chest cold coming on.

Well. I feel reassured. Especially by the screeching sounds of Celestina Warbeck.

[Warded to Friends]

For fuck's sake.

[Warded to the DMLE]

Greyback sent us a package. I've delivered it to the Crime Lab but here's the rough and dirty:

- Human heart. I'm figuring it's human, anyway. Crime lab will hopefully be able to confirm.
- Note attached: "Early for the holiday, but the sentiment stands. All my love, Greyback" - Crime lab also has original note to check for trace.

Ergh. That's my official comment. Ergh.

[Friends within the DMLE & Jack Jones]

We should just re-name my job to "Body Part Courier".

[Warded to Bilius Weasley]

I was hoping that I'd be able to make it out to your signing on Thursday, but I think I'm going to be here all week.

I'm going to try for Saturday, though.

Are your wards up to date?

[Warded to the DMLE]

It's not just journals. They just upped the ante.

[Tap entry with wand to hear this copied with charms. The first 3 seconds is cut off.]

Was a howler. It's gone now, of course, and I can tell you trying to trace it via the owl is going to be impossible.

ADDED LATER: (Charmed to ring loudly until answered or silenced)

I intercepted another package. Three fingers, immediately sent to Crime Lab. This owl is out on a trace. Will update if I get anything but don't depend on me, please.

[Warded to Friends and Family]

PAT and the DMLE is working on it, I swear. In the meantime, don't provoke them and do not agree to meet anyone anywhere. If they write to you, the best thing you can do is stop responding and ward the DMLE.


Can someone check on the cats? Wear gloves.

Dear Order of the Phoenix,

I'm sure your words will keep me warm at night. But if you really want to help, you could try joining the DMLE or even an organization that supports it. Heaven forbid you actually do things the legal and true way.

I applaud anyone that wants to help the war effort, but there are better ways to go about it and commandeering the Wireless is not one of them.

Sincerely,
A Ministry employee that is only more stressed because of you.

Cheers!

[Warded Private]

Three and a half years and I'm still having nightmares. Dreamless sleep draught tonight.

[Warded to Close Friends]

I don't like the rumours I'm hearing about the blood.

I hate speculating about rumours even more than I hate hearing them.

[Warded Private]

Condolences. What do they even mean? My sincerest sympathies are going to go in one ear and out the other. People act like they care. Pretend like they wanted to hear how sorry you are for their loss or how happy you are that they aren't hurt, but in the end... family and close friends are the only ones that matter. Random strangers trying to act like they feel something for you (other than relief that it wasn't them) offer nothing in the way of comfort.

Maybe I'm just jaded. But I barely remember the stream of flower and sympathy cards after Colin's death.

Still, I'm glad there were only two deaths. Can't say that a lot these days.

[Warded to Friends]

Less excitement, I said. An early retirement, even! Can't go back to Homicide, might as well still help out where I can. Weekends off and vacation time and no 12-16 hours on duty, no wearing out my shoes every month from all the patrolling. More reading! Seemed like a good idea at the time, even if it was bound to be boring.

HA.

Boring.

More like panic inducing and right on the same amount of stress as Homicide. Boy was I wrong.

[Warded to the PAT]

I'm working overtime this weekend. Brought in enough cigarettes and donuts to sustain a small army for a week to share.

[Warded to PAT]

Christ. Really?

Overtime, here we come.

[Warded to Friends]

I really spoke too soon about the snow causing things to be a little slower when it comes to owls. I enjoyed my few days off, but don't expect to see me much the coming days or weeks and I'm sure you lot can guess why.

If you haven't even seen me by the end of the weekend, please send food?

[Warded to the Public Awareness Team]

Who knew Christmas and New Years would be so interesting in way of The Owls of Our Lives. Had two T grade posts go through this morning alone- and that's not even counting the pile that's sitting here flagged for talking about the Unforgivables speech. How'd these kids ever get through Hogwarts?

I just keep reminding myself that when they finally open up the Grammar and Writing course at Hogwarts, I'm a shoe-in.

[Warded to Jack Jones]

Have you slept this week? I’m probably not the best one to be criticizing, but I think it comes with the territory of working in the same building.

Nevermind the fact that mum won’t leave me alone until I tell her you’ve slept at least 8 hours in the past three days.

You'll notice I am decidedly not mentioning the Minister's announcement from yesterday.

[Warded to Graham Proudfoot]

Things gotten any quieter for you?